How to Deal with a Difficult Ex-Wife, Difficult Ex-Husband or Ex-spouse (especially for divorced parents when kids are in the middle)

by Laura Benjamin, Colorado Communication Coach and Career Coach

One of the toughest juggling acts to manage is when you are divorced parents and you have children with an ex-spouse who is difficult and abusive. These are NOT physically abusive situations – rather they’re just annoying and challenging. But they are driving you crazy and unfortunately the kids are in the middle. Here are some tips to help you cope with this difficult person who is going to be in your life for the long haul, or at least until your children grow up and go out on their own!

First, your ex-spouse should be civil to you. If they are abusive, you do not need to put yourself in a situation where you are subject to that abuse. In addition to what the court says, you do have the right to set some boundaries for yourself and the kids as long as they are practical and reasonable.

Remember that he/she no longer controls you. You DO have a choice as to how you interact with your children’s father or mother. For example, if your ex-spouse uses the telephone to berate you, request that they communicate with you in the future in writing. While you do have an obligation to communicate with them about the children, unless it’s an emergency, it doesn’t mean you must accept abusive phone calls. Just verbalizing these words will give you a greater sense of control over your world. You will no longer feel like you are a victim, subject to their ranting and raving.

Set some ground rules so you have some peace and joy in your life. For example, ground rules might include:
- You are welcome to call between the hours of 9am-9pm. We will not accept phone calls before or after those hours, unless it is a valid emergency (someone is dying, bleeding, missing, etc.)
- Swearing or abusive language will not be tolerated. If it occurs, I will cease communication with you in person. You can communicate with me regarding the children only, and that will be done in writing. (This will also help you should you have to go back into court for any reason in the future)
- Gifts to the children of a dangerous nature are not allowed in our home. If the ex-spouse plans to give the child a pocket knife for example and you do not agree it is appropriate, and you cannot talk the ex-spouse out of it, then you can require the gift be left at their home – not yours.

Set yourself a “horror floor”. How bad can it get? What is the worst that can happen or has happened? Then you can mentally prepare yourself for that circumstance, should it occur. Use the C.A.R.L.A. Concept™ to map out the circumstances you are facing in order to decide how to cope with it. (C – circumstance or challenge faced; A – actions you took or plan to take; R – results achieved; L – lessons learned; A – alternative/another approach for the future)

Check yourself out. Is there something you are doing that’s sparking the fire? We all learn what buttons to push, don’t we? In this case, we know all too well how to provoke this person. Make sure you are not gently nudging them to the point where you get the reaction you expect. Be honest with yourself and use the Carla Concept™ to revisit the last volatile situation and analyze how it got started, what you may have done to contribute to the situation, and how you can handle it differently in the future.

Put up a good front for the kids. You are teaching them how to behave through your words and actions. While their father/mother may not be behaving in an adult and respectful manner, they will gain strength and wisdom from you if you can maintain that adult role. You will hear it from them years later when they admit that “Dad” or “Mom” could have done things a little bit differently. Kids are perceptive and they figure our pretty quick who is the strong one and who is not. By strength, I mean mature strength, not just power.

Lose a battle to win the war. There are times when you will have to suck it up and let something occur that you know he/she is doing just to get back at you. But remember that all battles are not worth winning at the expense of losing the war. Bide your time, take the high road no matter how difficult it feels in the moment, and you will find yourself in a better position in the future. There will be a time (I guarantee it!) when your difficult spouse will need your help. Perhaps it’s when the teenaged child is visiting them, they have an argument and the child takes off. You know their favorite hangouts and you are able to coerce your son or daughter back home to safety. Certainly, never back down if the child’s safety and well being is at risk – those are always battles worth fighting for!

Regardless of the situation, your ability to be the more mature and stronger one will not only help you build a more positive, loving relationship with your children, but also turn your ex-spouse around (eventually) if you try to do the right thing. If you allow yourself to get sucked up in the game playing, then it will only serve to extend the pain and agony you are experiencing right now.

The information on this web site is copyright © 2001-2008 by Laura Benjamin and Pinehurst Press Ltd. Creative Commons. Some rights reserved. Permission to reprint with attribution please and a live link to http://www.LauraBenjamin.com. Please contact me to complete any "Permission to Use Copyrighted Material" documentation. Thank you in advance!

Laura Benjamin is a Colorado Communication, Career and Marketing Coach, professional speaker, strategic planning facilitator and writer. She is also the Author of The C.A.R.L.A. Concept™: How to Raise an Issue, Prove Your Point and Communicate with Confidence & Clarity. To interview Laura or access her free educational and entertaining audio podcasts, blog posts and articles, please visit www.LauraBenjamin.com.