by Laura Benjamin, Colorado Communication and Career Coach

Remember the old B-rated movies where the monster, Godzilla, crawls out of the swamp and makes it’s way through the countryside, eating everything in site? As it destroys cities, towns and everything in its path, it grows bigger and more formidable with every step it takes until it is SO big that it cannot be stopped!

Believe it or not, “Godzilla” is still alive and well today within our “cities and towns”! Godzilla is the person in our organizations that has run rampant and unchecked for months, and often years. No one has had the courage or the ability to call them on their behaviors and so, these people continue to grow more formidable and more difficult to work with as time goes by.

Difficult People Defined

Your definition of Godzilla could be something totally different, however. Just for giggles, poll the people around you and ask for their definition of a difficult person. You’ll probably get just as many versions as the number of people you survey! If you look for the common themes, you’ll find it’s typically someone whose troublesome behavior…

…affects most people, not just the overly sensitive, weak, or incompetent. In other words 99% of the people you work with also think this person is a pain in the posterior!
…is set at a lower threshold and is more easily triggered. They’re unpredictable, and seem to “go off” over the smallest little things
…is frequent and habitual. They exhibit this type of behavior most of the time, not just occasionally if they’re having a bad day

Human behavior experts, like Dr. Robert M. Bramson, in “Coping with Difficult People,” has categorized them into 6 types:

 Hostile/aggressive
 Complainers and whiners
 Silent or unresponsive
 Super-agreeable
 Negativists
 Know-it-all Experts

Sensible Strategies and Solutions

The longer we ignore a situation, the worse it gets. Rarely does it “give up” and go away, so it’s in our best interests to learn how to practice effective conflict management practices. How to proceed when you know you have a difficult person on your hands? Follow these approaches:

Affiliate. In other words, spend a little more time trying to get to know them. Many times we make them out to be more “ferocious” than is really the case. More misunderstandings and conflicts occur when people have not made an effort to invest in a relationship. They don’t understand the challenges the other person is facing, nor do they have enough “face time” to figure out what is important to this person.

Identify motivators. People are motivated for different reasons and in response to varying triggers. Perhaps there is something you are doing that conflicts with their motivations. Experts say that conflict arises when there is a lack of resources or conflicting values. It’s worth your while to find out what their values are and see how you can leverage that knowledge to get the job done.

It takes two. Ask yourself how you have contributed to the conflict. We all contribute in some way, through what we say and do, or don’t do! Have a frank conversation with the person and ask how you may be contributing to the problem. You may get some information that no one has had the courage to tell you before!

Build trust. Work in advance so you have the trust “bank account” built up before you need it. It’s often when deadlines are tight, people are tired and stressed, and important outcomes are on the line when difficulties with others tend to arise. Make sure you take the time and invest the energy beforehand to offer your assistance, share resources, etc. That way when the tough times come, you will already have a stronger foundation to cut each other some slack.

Distance yourself. Sometimes we give people way too much ammunition. It may be best for all concerned if you spend less time with the individual, set some boundaries in terms of how “close” you allow them to come (figuratively speaking), and establish a “horror floor”. This is the bottom line in terms of how low you will go. You agree with yourself in advance that when “A” happens, you will do “B” and then stick to it!

The Difficult Conversation

When the time comes that you’ve had enough and you decide to confront your “Godzilla” and have that tough conversation, a little pre-planning will go a long way. Do some “TRIAGE” work in advance by,

T – time it right. Avoid approaching your difficult person when they are sick, hungry, facing a deadline, dealing with a family crisis, it’s cold in the office or dark outside. As much as possible, pick a time that is conducive to the conversation otherwise table it for the future.

R – remove threats. Have the conversation outside of the office in an area that is on neutral ground. Being called into the “principal’s office” is intimidating enough in itself without the specter of hearing bad news too!

I – identify triggers. Consider the words that you use, your actions, gestures, etc. so you don’t trigger defiance, resistance, arguments, or stony silence. Basically, try not to provoke the person if you can help it.

A – assume ignorance. Assume they have no earthly idea that they are doing something that offends others. Consider that they may have positive intentions not destructive ones. Let’s face it – some people can be quite clueless. Approach your conversation from that standpoint rather than they must be doing “it” on purpose. Also assume that your reputation precedes you, whether that is a good or bad thing. People talk and if you are in a position of authority, your approach is no secret. You may want to address that right up front to make sure the person is not expecting the worst.

G – set ground rules. Stick to one single issue rather than a laundry list of “evidence”, use “I” words, and be specific rather than vaguely accusatory. If necessary, agree to reconvene at a time when you are both better prepared to have the conversation if you find this is not the best time.

E – set expectations. Establish the goal or outcomes you wish to achieve, state your respect for the other person and the worth they have to the organization. Ask for respect in return if it’s clear the other person is unable to converse in a constructive manner. Ask for what you want from them without making it about character assassination.

Then finally, use the 4-F Model to structure your a constructive conversation:

F = state the facts clearly and objectively
F = discuss the fallout that will occur if the behaviors continue
F = address the feelings involved because they usually “show” themselves anyway. Use words like, “I am concerned/uncertain/disappointed…” which tend to be anti-inflammatory and a much more neutral choice than “disgusted, irritated, or frustrated”!
F = invite their feedback so you get all the information you need or schedule time for them to circle back around with you to discuss improvements and adjustments

The order in which you cover the Four F’s is up to you and hinges on the type of situation you face. Remember to stay above the “water line” and avoid going below the surface to comment on anything you cannot possibly see. Sticking to the obvious will keep everyone focused on the specifics and outcomes that can be evaluated and measured.

The information on this web site is copyright © 2001-2008 by Laura Benjamin and Pinehurst Press Ltd. Creative Commons. Some rights reserved. Permission to reprint with attribution please and a live link to http://www.LauraBenjamin.com. Please contact me to complete any "Permission to Use Copyrighted Material" documentation. Thank you in advance!

Laura Benjamin is a Colorado Communication, Career and Marketing Coach, professional speaker, strategic planning facilitator and writer. She is also the Author of The C.A.R.L.A. Concept™: How to Raise an Issue, Prove Your Point and Communicate with Confidence & Clarity. To interview Laura or access her free educational and entertaining audio podcasts, blog posts and articles, please visit www.LauraBenjamin.com.