Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Boss

by Laura Benjamin, Colorado Communication Coach and Career Coach

If so, you're not alone. While people in senior leadership positions should know better, it's amazing how many of them believe if “you can't take the heat, get outta the kitchen”. Some see it as a test of a developing leader to be able to handle this kind of treatment. Others have treated people poorly at work (and probably at home too) for such a long time that few people have the “you know what's” to call them on it. Some bad bosses also report to a boss of their own who use this approach and they're just modeling what appears to be a successful strategy. Many poor souls never got proper leadership training and have no clue that their verbal tirades or snippy attacks are highly unprofessional.

Regardless of the motivation or reasons why they're acting like barbarians, you've got to get a plan together on hope to cope. Here are 6 steps you can take to gird your loins:

Start documenting. Whether you decide to go to HR, a senior leader or end up in court defending yourself from retaliation, you'll need your notes. Memories fade and before long it'll be impossible to remember all the specifics surrounding those more outrageous incidents. It's best to keep these notes at home, not in your office desk drawer or on your work computer hard drive! (Most people would get this, but some of us just don't think clearly during stressful times.) Be sure to include all the specifics, including the “who, what, when, where, why, how” of each situation. Of course, the “why” is pure speculation on your part, but it never hurts to try and understand the motivation behind someone's behavior.

Start looking. Chances are this person's behavior is NOT going to change just because you “play nice” or call them on it. So you might as well brush up the old resume right now. Tap into your friends and networks without telling them specifically why you are looking so soon after just landing this new job. All you have to say is, “It's just not the right fit” and leave it at that. If things turn out well and you don't have to leave, that's great. It never hurts to stay connected with folks and keep your resume in order. But the psychological lift you'll get from knowing you have other options is well worth the time you'll spend preparing to head out the door.

Ask for respect. It's not easy to stick up for yourself if it means putting your paycheck at risk. However, you deserve to be treated with respect regardless of the pecking order. To do this, use the “4 F Model”. You may find that you prefer to switch the order of these steps, depending on how the conversation goes or the specific circumstances you're facing:

1. Describe the FACTS of a recent situation being careful to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Be specific. Do not address the “why” but stick to the facts alone.
2. Then address the way their behavior made you FEEL. Use phrases like, “When you said X, I felt embarrassed” or “When you did X, I felt betrayed”. Other good words are “confused”, “concerned”, “upset”, etc. While you may feel emotional about the experience, try to portray a calm, objective manner. The last thing you want them to say or think is, “Poor baby! Grow up and get over it!”
3. Your boss also should hear the FALLOUT, impact or ramifications of their behavior. Carefully explain what could happen if they continue to verbally abuse you. I suggest “carefully” because you don't want this to come across as a threat. Avoid the, “Oh yeah? Well if you don't stop, then I'm going to call my lawyer” threat. If those words do slip out, then be prepared to get yourself a good lawyer and start looking for another job pretty quickly.
4. Encourage FEEDBACK. There are often two very different perspectives to each situation and certainly they may have a legitimate reason for theirs. (I'm trying to be gracious here. There are NO good reasons for bad behavior.) But it will show a degree of class to ask why you are the target of the verbal lashing. It may also shed some light on this person's motivation for acting the way they do. At this point you can also discuss ways you both can avoid these circumstances from happening again. Perhaps your boss would give you permission to give him a “high sign” when he's heading in the wrong direction.

Give it some time. It's possible this person may be going through difficult times. Perhaps they're facing a divorce, they have a teenager who's in trouble, or they have serious health issues. One would hope people wouldn't take their personal issues out on folks at work, but it happens often.

Spot the triggers. Study this person under different circumstances and in different environments. Do they lash out only when they're up against a deadline or if they're under pressure in a team meeting? If you can spot the triggers, it's possible you can have a more compassionate discussion with your boss or see it coming and get out of the line of fire.

Take it upstairs. You may wish to raise the issue respectfully to someone over their head. This is a serious step since in most cases, it could backfire and you'd be the one to lose the most. Analyze the relationships between your boss and senior leaders and be sure your job performance is solid. If you're a likeable person with good relationships at work, your chance of being heard without being canned is higher than if you're a real stinker yourself.

Finally, realize you will learn more about how to handle people from facing difficult situations like this. Your skills and communication strategies will improve, you'll add more “lessons learned” to your personal development growth and you may end up in a far, far better place in the long run.

Dealing with a verbally abusive boss is one of the most stressful, challenging situations anyone could face. The key to surviving is to take control of yourself and your behaviors since you cannot control or often even influence theirs. Tackling the areas you can control will give you more of a sense of hope and confidence.

The information on this web site is copyright © 2001-2008 by Laura Benjamin and Pinehurst Press Ltd. Creative Commons. Some rights reserved. Permission to reprint with attribution please and a live link to http://www.LauraBenjamin.com. Please contact me to complete any "Permission to Use Copyrighted Material" documentation. Thank you in advance!

Laura Benjamin is a Colorado Communication, Career and Marketing Coach, professional speaker, strategic planning facilitator and writer. She is also the Author of The C.A.R.L.A. Concept™: How to Raise an Issue, Prove Your Point and Communicate with Confidence & Clarity. To interview Laura or access her free educational and entertaining audio podcasts, blog posts and articles, please visit www.LauraBenjamin.com.